The fear of the Lord leads to life,
and whoever has it rests satisfied;
he will not be visited by harm. Proverbs 19: 23
I realized today how I feel such unrest in my life.
I have so many responsibilities as a single working executive mom. I have tough decisions that weigh on me. I carry the ultimate concern of the organization I lead. No one – NO ONE else carries that weight.
And I have two girls to raise and love (though not as well as I feel I should). And though I’ve lived in my new home four years, I am often extremely lonely. It feels like I always have to make the effort to keep the friendships going (though I can think right now of one person who kindly reaches out for social events). And it’s hard to find a heart-friend, someone who gets God the same way I do, someone who says (a CS Lewis quote), “You, too, I thought I was the only one.”
Oh, I know. I am having a bit of a pity party tonight. It’s been a rough day.
It would have been my husband’s birthday today but he passed away three years ago. And I am in the part of the country near places we took vacays as a family. And I got another speeding ticket. And I am in conflict with a friend and I don’t think it’s going to end well. And I had to switch rooms twice at the place I am staying because the first two both smelled and I felt like a stupid prima donna. And at dinner the other two women talked and talked and talked about themselves while I asked curious probing questions while silently wondering if anyone was interested in finding something out about me. No one asked me one thing about me. Seriously.
I am just plain tired. And pretty dissatisfied.
I would surely like what this Proverb promises: “satisfied rest.”
So how do I “rest satisfied?”
The fear of the Lord? Huh? If I fear the Lord I will have life and “rest satisfied?” So if I think that God is awesome and great, I’ll get rest? Be satisfied?
Frankly, right now, that’s not cutting it for me. I mean, WHO allowed all these hard circumstances in my life after all??
Or maybe the clue is in the last phrase “he will not be visited by harm.” Maybe I can rest satisfied because I am protected by God. I mean, really, it COULD be worse. I almost had my license SUSPENDED for driving 15 MPH over the speed limit!
I am at a retreat this weekend. I think the key here is to see the goodness of God in all things – in the hard and the easy – and for me, to really really believe that God wants me to give me the abundant life – despite days like today.
But I am not sure. All I know is that I really want to rest satisfied. So I’m going to spend some time this weekend thinking about what it means to fear God and how that will help me find rest and satisfaction, but especially rest.
Dear Lord: You read this blog. You know what to do. Thanks. Amen.