I can still hide out in here. I can still share what’s on my heart without being watched, or known. Except by some of you, but you are safe.
I don’t have to be so careful what I say as I do in my job or on Facebook.
And today I am very sad. I have basically wasted the evening away – overwhelmed with what I need to do, so just plain avoiding it all.
And sad because my best friend died. I don’t have him to talk to anymore. I don’t have anyone who will just listen, listen, listen without judgment – who will be there whenever I need him. Who I can talk to anytime or call anytime without feeling like I am bothering him. Who WANTS me to call. To talk.
He would tell me that it’s ok to waste an evening, that I always get caught up. He would tell me that I’ll get it all done. Even the stuff I now have to do because he is with Jesus and not with me. He’s not here to do the bills. He’s not here to help clean the kitchen. Today I gave some of his clothes to Salvation Army. Tomorrow, I go to sell his car – the one that we don’t need, the one that reminds us of him.
He’s not here to just be here and listen to me and tell me it’s ok and I’m doing the right thing.
My friend who lost her husband told me the fourth month was harder than the ones before. I am discovering that, too. The shock is wearing off. The noise has died down. The frenetic getting my house in order is not so frenetic.
And I am lonely.
Oh, I know he is happier than he has ever been, finally healed, finally experiencing the intimacy with Jesus he longed for. I am so happy for him.
But I am sad.
Thanks for listening.
He would have.