I sort of feel this responsibility to keep posting about this issue, especially for those who come to my blog and may start to question their own faith by what I have written elsewhere: Doubting Less, but Not Doubtless and Doubting at Last.
A few things have crossed my mind these past days. I’ll share them in a series of posts.
First, I have this nasty feeling that I am being an ungrateful wretch. For many years I’ve stood in judgment (I now see) of all the Christians who whine about God not giving them this or that. Or say, “I was faithful, but God didn’t deliver.”
I mean, who do they think God is anyway? Santa Claus?
I, of course, am far too holy for that stuff.
I write boldly of suffering, tough times in marriage, and general crap – that it’s all a blessing, cause it makes me know Jesus better, it leads me to the Holiday at Sea.
Then for some reason, the crap piles up long enough and high enough, and for the first time I can remember in my Christian life, I don’t have that drive to know Jesus better through the difficulties.
In fact, I find myself just a little righteously angry about the American church (you know, all those OTHER Christians).
And, do I feel some anger at God for not changing me or my spouse or my situation faster?
Then, all of a sudden, doubt.
What does this say about my “deep” relationship with the Lord? …that after 30 some odd years, I can question it? Feel like it never existed?
Whew. I think I am heading for some big time conviction. Hold onto your seats…